5) HQ/CASTRO ARE SO UNPROFESSIONAL! THEY CUSS! THINK OF THE CHILDREN!
Hi, you must be new here, but I feel like I already know you. You’re the member that asks me to turn off Rick Ross during my personal workout time because you can’t handle ‘profanity’. Meanwhile, you HAVE to listen to “Shake it Off” during your wod but can’t STAND to listen to Pharrell and you’re the type of person that calls it ‘heavy metal’.
Listen, I’m not here to be your personal club DJ and Dave Castro is not here to cater to your delicate sensibilities. HQ is HQ, and if you think they are NOT going to do HQ things, you haven’t been around long enough. It’s like complaining about the weather – just stop and accept it.
One of the most important lessons a kid can learn is sporting events are for drunk loudmouths to vent their anger using profanity and violence. My first hockey game I witnessed two dudes go at it in the stands during warmups. Something about Al Iafrate and a pink cadillac. I was five. Nobody died.
Anyway, where was I? Right. Castro cursing a bit on the mike is not a big deal.
4) THE COMMENTATORS WERE TERRIBLE!
I’m not going to argue here. If I hear somebody say “Yown Coe-ski” again I’m going to have a seizure. They’ve got a bit to learn. But I’ll be damned if hearing Tanya Wagner speak while trying to avoid someone shoving a boiling hot mozzarella stick in her mouth wasn’t the most entertaining thing I’ve heard in a long time. At least that’s what it sounded like to me.
What, you think Bob Costas wants to narrate people doing pullups?
3a) THE WORKOUTS WERE TOO HARD!
The only thing you need to worry about being ‘too hard’ this year was your man’s member watching the women’s paddleboard event. The Games are hard every year, and every single workout will have finishers and not-finishers. Are we trying to turn this into soccer, where everybody participates for 90 minutes but nothing ever happens? (unless you’re Brazil playing at home on the international stage BOOM)
The Games are meant to FIND THE FITTEST, not be an all-inclusive, feel-good throwdown with your buddies where you high-five your deadlift PRs to a couple of gluten-free Sorghum brews. This is a process of weeding out, and painful as it is, many will struggle and fail.
Murph was put first for a reason – to test the unspoken 11th element of CFHQ Fitness. RECOVERY. At regionals and the games, the only fresh workout you get is the first one. Glassman and Castro ain’t interested in your best Fran time after a visit to the chiro, a sweet de-load week and a half-day of work. They want to test who can do the most work while beat to shit. Wednesday was a warmup and Murph was meant to pre-fatigue every goddamn muscle in the body and test from that baseline. What, somebody at the professional level got mild rhabdo? Truly sucks, but guess what, they’re not ‘the fittest’. And that’s what this is about.
3b) THE PEGBOARD
Yea, not the most entertaining event, especially followed by a bike and a rower, but it COULD have been, as evidenced by the final men’s heat. Again, this was meant to weed out people at the final ascent. Put it earlier in the weekend? Why? So more people finish and you bitch about how stupid it is anyway? An entire weekend of entertainment is not negated but one meh workout. The way people were complaining you’d have though HQ broke out the softballs again.
3c) THE TEAMS WERE BORING! THE TEAMS WERE FIXED!
First of all, shut the fuck up. Froning and Hobart could have taken Sparkle Motion to the top ten without breaking a sweat. Second, they do all the workouts for a reason – have better athletes, get better prizes. Maybe if HQ would get their shit together and just let five athletes finish the weekend NorCal would have given Mayhem a scare, but was there any ever doubt that Rich was going to take it? Please.
Also, the teams are always boring. Unless you’re on them or people you know are on them. Then they are exciting. It’s a part of the games, it should remain a part of the games, but it’s not ever going to be the centerpiece and you’re not ever going to buy a ticket to see six dudes try and out-burpee six girls in some sort of twisted fitness circlejerk. There’s an entire company working to make team workouts exciting…it’s called GRID. You should check it out. No really, please buy a ticket. That Eleiko rig’s not gonna pay for itself.
2) Murph was DANGEROUS
Are you fucking serious right now? If I hear another goddamn word about it being ‘too hot’ to workout at midday in SoCal I’m gonna host my own games in the crater of an active volcano and see how many of you watch the pros crush some wicked Karen times with $275k on the line.
First off, if the individuals worked out in the morning, you people would still be bitching about it – only focusing on the teams being overheated. Secondly, WHERE WERE THE FUCKING COACHES? In the words of the almighty Jon Taffer, “I don’t embrace problems, I embrace solutions.”
When the Games started with a half-marathon row, know what you saw? Fueling and hydration strategies. Athletes with CamelBaks, water bottles, sandwiches and sweet potatoes. Working for 90 minutes is obviously different than ‘Heavy Helen’, so people with half a brain did the smart thing – planned ahead.
If I’m a coach, first thing I do when I hear Murph is get my athlete a goddamn water bottle. But wait! Weight vest? California heat? How is this a fucking mystery? Get a small cooler, fill with ice water and washcloths, have available for use on/near the field to put on your neck, head, special place, you name it. Fuck it, drag a full-size Coleman around and shove a 5lb. bag of ice down your vest while you squat. WEAR A FUCKING SHIRT MAYBE. How about a hat? There are a myriad of ways to not cook yourself to death but since Rogue and MWod haven’t released the “Hot Weather Warrior” package yet, I guess nobody knows what to do.
Have you ever heard of the Badwater Ultra? Tour de France? Kona Ironman? Of course you have, you own a pair of Hylete shorts and have your own jump rope. Miraculously these events happen every year and nobody starts change.org petitions or writes ‘open letters’ like they aspire to be the Mother Theresa of fringe athletics.
Know who didn’t seem to mind the heat? Ben Smith, cause he trained in his garage in Virginia for years, where it’s hot as FUCK. 95 degrees and 100% humidity is a chilly winter day in Newport News, and five thrusters into a workout you’d be drier if you jumped in a pool.
1) THE DREADED N-WORD
No, I’m not talking about the Nano or a decades-old Chris Rock bit. This is about the company that I’m not even going to name because I don’t want it to get any more press. If I ignore your pissing and moaning long enough…you’ll just keep at it, so let’s get this over with.
The cries of distraught weekend warriors that arose from the ‘banning’ of a shoe reached epic levels of retardation this year.
WHY CAN’T MY FAVES WEAR WHAT THEY WANT! YOU’RE JUST HATERS! THE GAMES WERE FIXED FOR REEBOKS! IF YOU TRAIN IN A SHOE ALL YEAR THIS IS NOT FAIR!
NEWS FLASH – THIS WASN’T ABOUT A COMPANY RIVALRY
Here’s a list of shoe companies that were ‘banned’ (eye roll) from this year –
1) All of them
I don’t care if you wanted to see somebody rock Toms, Skechers Tone-Ups, Birkenstocks or taped banana peels on their feet. If that Chiquita sticker didn’t say Reebok, you left it in your bag. For just this once, I may even recruit the support of that weird dude who works out barefoot at your gym. The shoes DO. NOT. MATTER. Nobody won or lost on a shoe this year, or any year. Did you not read about Ben Smith winning regionals in his lawn-mowing shoes?
It is difficult for me to counter a point of view that is so mind-blowingly stupid but if I make even one person feel a little dumb, it’s worth my time. The uniform for the games has been strictly dictated for years. Remember when people HAD to wear their games jerseys and not their favorite workout shirt? Brutal. How about being made to turn their Rehbands inside-out because the logo couldn’t be seen? But because N*** decides to put a couple hundred bucks into a marketing campaign and prints a few shirts, suddenly it’s a human rights issue and the cries of 10:00 Franners are heard worldwide. Nobody is bitching because they can’t run in Dockers. Get over it.
In fact, I’m gonna tell you a personal story about N*** because this is my page and I do what I want.
When I was winding down my middle-school basketball career I pleaded for my parents to hook it up with the best shoes on the market at that time, the N*** AirMax 2’s. Lord knows they were too expensive but because I’m awesome they picked them up anyway. And what happened? First practice someone stepped on them and the shoelace hook broke. Weird, must be a defect, let me exchange them for a new pair. Next practice, someone steps on them and bam, air cushion deflates. The fuck? I took that shit back, traded for Reeboks (true story) and kicked ass for another year until people told me screaming down the court trying to cherry pick while my team rebounds wasn’t a championship strategy. Bonus that they didn’t look like I was wearing Tempur-pedic foot pillows.A few years later I got a pair of ‘cross-trainers’ for lacrosse season and on my first shuttle sprint, ripped half the sole off from changing direction so fast. N***s can eat it. (Romaleos notwithstanding)
I’m tired and need bourbon.
Edit – It has been brought to my attention another person shares similar views. Good. We should start our own Games. With blackjack. And hookers.